DAFT TRUMPS

I’ve made my own top trumps pack! Yes, I have and I’m very pleased with how they’ve come out. 32 cards with drawings of stupid people, 5 statistics about them (for instance: Ability to Limp) and a little bio with fascinating facts. Also, instead of a rubbish cardboard box they’re housed in a transparent almost waterproof cassette tape case! Retro! They look fantastic! I’ve called them Daft Trumps. Absolutely 100% guaranteed FUN.

Rather than keep all this exciting entertainment to myself, I’ve decided - in a characteristic rush of philanthropy, to offer you: yes YOU (insert name of acquaintance here) my best friend, the chance to have your very own pack! Oh boy!

I’m only going to print a few so hurry, hurry or be cursed by FOMO forever as all your hip and groovy friends (who know what FOMO means) flaunt their packs at you in the street.

Rules

2 or as many as you like players. If you have more than 2 players, congratulations for being a popular person with friends that are willing to patronize you.

Take the cards out of the plastic cassette case and hold them in your hand using your fingers to grip (the way you would hold most other objects, like a cucumber or model train).

You will see a very well drawn drawing of a stupid looking person with their name at the top of the card, below that, a list of 5 attributes with a number beside them and a small autobiographical note at the bottom of the card.

The ugliest person in the game goes first and reads out the name and the autobiographical note, The other players then read out the rubbish written on their cards in a clockwise direction (or anticlockwise if you are in the southern hemisphere).

Once you’ve had a bit of a daft laugh, the ugliest player then chooses an attribute and reads out the number with their voice. The other less hideous players then look at their cards with their eyes and read out loud the corresponding numbers. If your number is the highest (for example: a million billion is a higher number than 2) you win the other players cards, they hand it over, then you put it at the bottom of the pack for later. The winner then reads an attribute out and so on until you lose. The winner must keep reading from their winning card until they get beaten or lose the will to live. Whichever comes first.

The winner of the whole game and possibly life, is the person with the most cards when you decide to stop playing. I’d suggest no more than ten minutes because it can get a bit tedious after then.

Solo Game

Get a wide rimmed hat, bucket or perhaps dig a hole big enough to fit a dozen eggs or a remote controlled car inside, then move as far away from it as you can.

Flick the cards towards the aperture (hat, bucket or hole). If one lands inside you’re the winner and you can call yourself Lord Emperor of All You Survey for one whole day and walk with a cocky swagger safe in the knowledge that you’re brilliant at throwing stuff in holes.

Warning: Cards are not suitable to nail to children’s faces